SATURN
By Phillip Cage
A DIFFERENT KIND of CAR.
A DIFFERENT KIND of
COMPANY.
A DIFFERENT KIND of RELIGION.
Back in 1982, General Motors created a new division
of automobiles as a way to combat the soaring Japanese
import market. GM named this division Saturn after the
rockets that put the United States ahead of the Soviet
Union in the race to the moon. Between July of 1990,
when the first production line Saturn was made, and June
of 1995, over one million Saturns were manufactured. An
All-American company putting out a quality product that
the consumer has embraced. Nothing more.
Or so they would have you believe...
Saturn has recently become famous for its quirkiness.
They take your picture with the car you buy and hang it
on the wall while every employee cheers. Nothing wrong
with a little customer appreciation BUT...
I began to get a little suspicious about Saturn when
I noticed a few of my Saturn owning friends with the
same gleaming look of ignorance in their eyes. They
seemed to have lost their personalities. I tried talking
to them, tried to find out what was wrong, and no matter
what we talked about the conversation would always lead
to their Saturns. Finding no answers from them, I
decided to take a ride to the local Saturn dealership. I
was greeted by smiling salesmen, not unlike any other
car dealership. They told me how wonderful Saturn was
and why I should choose to own one. Nothing wrong with
that. Then they left me alone. No pressure, no
hard-sell, nothing. This left me utterly speechless. So
I walked around the lot for about twenty minutes,
looking over my shoulder constantly for vulturic
salesmen. None were to be found. Finally, I couldn't
take it any longer and went back inside the dealership.
I talked to one salesman who told me that two months
after he bought his first Saturn he became a Saturn
salesman. Just like the commercials. He told me how
reliable his car had been, how good its resale value
was, specs, and other facts he thought I'd find
interesting. Only then did I see the same look in his
eyes that my friends had. I told him I'd think it over
and as I left he shouted, "Hope to see you soon. We'd
love to have you as a part of the Saturn Family!"
Visions of Jim Jones and Charles Manson danced through
my head.
I headed home and decided I knew nothing more than
what I knew at the beginning. I decided to try the 'Net.
I found Saturn's homepage and went exploring. That was
my awakening.
What did I find? A photograph of a guy with the
Saturn logo tattooed on his leg. The Saturn CarClub.
Letters from satisfied customers. An account of the
Saturn Homecoming.
That's when I realized Saturn was more than just an
automobile manufacturer. It was a religion.
First of all, by joining the Saturn CarClub, Saturn
promises you "the chance to make new friends.
Companionship through a shared obsession." For only $30
a year (TITHE), Saturn will give you a road atlas, a
travel services packet, a key fob, a T-shirt, a window
decal which is "a not so secret signal between you and
those in the know," and a membership handbook (BIBLE)
which contains "all the guidelines for CarClub
membership, plus a few ideas for getting your own club
up and running." (i.e. what our religion is all about
and how you can go about preaching our word)
The Letters section was as equally thought provoking.
It contained a letter from a woman who gave her car a
birthday party at the dealership, a letter about two
Saturn owners marrying and the bride's father stating,
"I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a Saturn," and a
letter containing a sonnet (PSALM). I knew that these
people were not normal. They were all under the intense
hallucinatory drug known as religion.
But I still had to find out for sure. I posted
several messages in different USENET threads, most often
receiving replies that I was insane. It wasn't until
recently when I checked my email that I found out the
truth.
It was from a man who had sent an anonymous email to
me. He simply stated that I was "treading in waters you
have no business being in. The Saturnites will not be
pleased that you have found out the truth."
I went back to the same USENET groups, posted
messages to the mystery person because I needed to talk
to him. I received another email from him to meet me in
an AOL chat room the next evening.
Due to the recent Scientology scandal, he made me
swear that I would not reveal his identity, as he feared
the consequences from the Saturnites, as he called them.
The only personal item I am allowed to divulge is that
he was once an official in the Church.
First he gave me the background information: Saturn
emerged from the primitive ooze of Earth only to find
out he was all alone. He created other creatures
(mankind), animals, and scenery to keep him company. His
only conditions for their survival: that all creatures
were blissful and all shared a common bond. What he
chose as the bond were rings. The skin at the joints on
mankind's fingers beared these rings. The skin at the
joints on the animals' claws beared these rings. The
trees beared these rings. Everything on the planet
beared these rings. For thousands of years, mankind was
blissful and mankind bore these rings. But then Jesus,
Mohammed, and some other religious leaders came along,
and some people stopped believing that Saturn was their
God. Saturn, not wanting to make these people unhappy by
making them believe that he was their God, left Earth.
He created a planet with rings around it (Saturn) to be
his home. Slowly, mankind's rings at the joints of their
fingers separated. Indentions were left on both sides of
the joints, but the connection was gone. Mankind slowly
forgot about Saturn
By 1982, the Earth was in turmoil. Mankind was slowly
killing itself and Saturn could not bear to watch any
longer. He knew he had to return mankind to its once
blissful state. Of course, he knew he couldn't just come
down to Earth and announce that he was their real God.
Mankind was more jaded now than when he first created
it. He knew the only way to reach mankind: Consumerism.
He chose a man, a young engineer, and came to him in a
dream. He told the man the true history of the Earth and
how he was the man's God. He told the man that he needed
his help to spread his word. He told the man to create a
product that would bring everyone back to him. When the
young man awoke from his dream, he looked to his hands
and saw that his rings had been reconnected.
It just so happened that the young man he contacted
was an engineer at General Motors. He had been assigned
to a committee whose purpose was to create a car to
steer consumers back to General Motors. The young man
decided to combine this with something to steer
consumers back to Saturn. Thus, Saturn, the car, was
born.
Years passed and the automobile was finally released
to the public. Through creative advertising and
subliminal messages, the automobile became a huge hit.
By making the car owners feel like they were part of a
community, they were slowly reverting back to their
original blissful states. Some of the owners' rings
began reconnecting.
That is basically the ideology behind the Saturn
religion. The employees (executives, salesman, factory
workers, etc.) make the consumer feel loved when they
purchase the Saturn automobile. When enough people buy
Saturn automobiles and their rings are reconnected,
Saturn will return to Earth and convert the rest of the
population. At least that's what they believe.
Next time you see a Saturn owner, just look at
his/her fingers. Get a good look. And then smile at them
knowingly.
