Lunch, the HP Way
This is the story of a different kind. No melting
CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of
psychological torture that scars a man for life. I had a
9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an
entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about
an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm
hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for
lunch. This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria.
Above the service counter was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Menu Units)
0001 Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun. Must order
comdiments 00110A separately...001--Deletes seeds...
002--Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes
cheese, bun and condiments. 001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete
second patty. 003 Replaces second patty with extra
cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger..001
From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return
credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and
00310A 001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root
beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if
possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would
you like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010
burger?" "The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how
about the rest of it?" "I dont have the specs on that,
sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too
small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade." My sales rep
interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger
upgrade would give you two burgers." "But you could get
return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me.
There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one
of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in the parking
lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to
some woman who was waving her arms around and looking
very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with
the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese?
It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the
telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs.
My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you
decided, sir?" "Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse
me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want
everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and
pickles with a option to substitute relish. "Ketchup." I
hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product."
My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported
configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady. "Too juicy. The
bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget the ketchup, just
put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm
sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can
take it but the burger won't fit in the box.
The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first
release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A,
option 110. French followed by option 120, English.
"What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales
rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla
Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly.
"Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series
00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he
just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask. "Very
good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief.
"Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it
supported?"
"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area
at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my
Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?" "You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?" "You tell him how hungry
you are and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support?" "He brings it to your
table."
"Extended materials?" "You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to
take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of
green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table,
and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order
us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a
delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner
surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two
weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window
right away." I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to
me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the
hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to
grow dim, my eyesight faded... I woke up clutching the
water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four
hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called
in sick.
