BIBLICAL LAWS FOR CHILDREN
Household Principles for Children
Based on the
Old Testament
(Lamentations of a Father)
--by
Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the
field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in
the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or
ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living
room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese,
you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal
grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats,
and of all the cereals that are of bright color and
unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the
living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those
in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living
room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when
you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,
of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither
may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down
and watching something, then may you eat in the living
room.
Laws When at Table :
And if you are seated in
your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person
might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they
were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet
upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes,
even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in
the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by
your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises
in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do
not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the
same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not
food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use
the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again
to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble
a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though
the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not
do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair
will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between
the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have
dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If
you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your
peas with each bite consisting of not less than three
peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see,
and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill
two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you
shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you
eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and
if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you
shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion
thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have
eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if you
scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which
two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
touching each other, your voice rises up even to the
ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger
of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may
correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause
you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within
your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as
it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you
off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back
of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon
the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give
each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and
also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I
do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I
have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances: Bite
not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of
your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind;
nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the
package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that
you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the
humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the
light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to
madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
