I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to some of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola, because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it mutates the D & A of the water, and will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.